Ocarina of Time - Beta Quest

A departure from the usual literary feast this week, because the Captors have had me working the fields as further punishment for my initial rebellion against their regime. While it was wonderful to get out of my dingy chamber at the summit of Elements Towers, my artificially pale skin didn’t take kindly to the harsh summer sun and burns have rendered me immobile. Tater was quite jealous that I was allowed to see the outside world until I pointed out that had he ventured from the Towers, I’d now be living with a chip. When the Captors realised I’d probably be unable to write another textual behemoth, they provided me with a copy of Ocarina of Time and an Action Replay. Using its powers of genetic manipulation I mutated the greatest game in the world, ever, into a glitchy, incoherent monster. With the Moon Jump as my scalpel, I probed the beast’s intimates and created this educational autopsy report, which you can browse here.

Super Smash Bros. - Characters

I found the perpetrator! I found the heathen who ratted me out to the Captors! Because I have no camera, I improvised and slammed the awful traitor into the scanner so that the whole world will know who betrayed me in the middle of what can only be considered a war. Look at him! Just look at him!

How did he live undetected for so many days while harbouring such an obvious secret! I don’t know if Spud was a willing recipient of this camera implant, or if the Mysterious Captors forced it into him, but I guess I’ll never know now that Spud’s gone to potato heaven. Round these parts we call it “Potato Stew”, but the end results the same. Anyway, since witnessing the slaughter, Tater’s been cowering in the corner despite my best efforts to calm him down. He’ll be fine, providing he tells me everything he knows about the Captors…

Ah but of course, the update. I decided that it was time I fleshed out the Smash Bros. pages, so I started with this lovely character page. In other exciting news, we’ve gained a new affiliate, the textually triumphant Desert Colossus. When you visit them (and you will visit them, lest you end up like Spud…), check out their excellent Compendium section, because it’s full of interesting observations that you can fill your brain with. I know I’ve filled mine!

Feature - Who is Link?

This latest update comes courtesy of six lashings - one for every day I refused to work under the Mysterious Captor’s repressive regime. The first day, I explained that I would work on the site only if I was released from this chamber, and in doing so lost food privileges for the day. The second day, I conceded and told them, through my thick metal door, that fine, I’ll work like a slave if they feed me again. While I took the food, I spent my days browsing the internet and playing Solitaire. Of course, I don’t know the rules, so I tended to lose, and it only served as fodder for the Captors to ridicule me. Little did I know they were tracking my every activity - I don’t yet know how - and they promptly cut food supplies until I finished a major update. Well, today’s the day I get to eat again, thanks to this feature that asks a very important question about the future of the Zelda series. Purists beware - I suggest it’s time to give Link something to say. Tater agrees with me, but Spud’s just glaring at me as if I suggested his mother was a seed. What do you think? Contact us or shout out on the forums!

There’s a lone shaft of light breaking hazily through a crack in my chamber wall; my only indication of the summer beauty that lies outside. For the past month I’ve been locked away at the top of Elements Towers, held to ransom by mysterious captors who say that until I bring Zelda Elements back, I’ll be fed on a diet of potatoes and celery while they pipe Eurobeat music through the wall. I initially thought that muffled Engrish at 200 beats per minute would gradually send me crazy, but my vegetable-limbed friends have helped me through the hard times and now I’m here, on the verge of freedom, ready to unveil the new Zelda Elements to the world.

I was concerned that my captors would forget what the old site was like and punish me for simply doing a cut-and-paste job, so I prepared a letter to make it clear that I haven’t wasted a month polishing the ol’ Master Sword. It reads:

Dear Mysterious Captors,

Please let me thank you for this marvellous opportunity to bring back a site that you so obviously enjoyed. I hope you realise that I only took down the site because life got in the way, and in no way did I intend to offend you. However, after you so coherently made the argument for me to find time for the site, I decided that yes, perhaps it would be a good idea to bring back Zelda Elements. Because you were so persuasive in your methods, and maybe also because I’ve grown fond of potatoes, I decided to go a step further and completely revamp the site - adding new information and new pages, while rewriting the old stuff.

Pages that were once barren menus have been filled with visual information, while messy sections have been cleaned. Content that was originally written by a 15-year old have been (hopefully) improved, and now read a bit like a Shakespearean masterpiece (I wish). References to the “next” Zelda game no longer read “that bloody cel-shaded travesty”. The site itself has been widened to account for the shift towards larger monitors, giving content more breathing room.

Think of this site as a love letter to Nintendo, and perhaps, to you, my captors. Without you, this site wouldn’t have been made.

Please enjoy,
~Nexus Zero

P.S. I also just want to say thanks for introducing me to “Mega NRG Man”. He’s ace. And please turn the heating down.

Fearing that I’d never see the sun again, I didn’t tell them about the new update plan which will see the latest news and information posted as soon as we receive it. I also forgot to mention the Sunday Scribe where I’ll post something substantially textual, starting next weekend with a feature that asks a question we thought we knew the answer to. Other Scribe updates will include strong opinion-pieces, articles, emails, and anything else I can muster up. If these revelations were communicated to the Mysterious Captors, I can only imagine my life would be spent here, in dingy Elements Towers, forever cranking out update after update.

So that’s the way things are. I can hear the echoing of footsteps from the stairwell, which can only mean my imminent freedom. Please have a look around and get in touch with us, tell us what you like/dislike, and perhaps pop into our forums for some friendly company.

It’s the dawn of a new day for Zelda Elements.