I have in my possession, after three long years of waiting, a copy of Twilight Princess. I also have in my possession, after two long years of waiting, a Wii Remote and Nunchuck. If this was a recipe for pancakes, I’d have the milk and eggs, but no flour; despite Gameplay’s promise that I would, this very day, be rolling around in my bed like a pig in his own “making”, creating caricatures of myself and making children duck under the swipe of my sword, I am Wiiless. In my endless desperation, I’ve resorted to replaying video reviews and mimicking the on-screen action with my surrogate controller.* Informed that my Wii won’t arrive for another week, I’ve passed on these woeful tidings to you, the readers, by way of explaining the aura of bitter seething that might emanate from my words over the next  content-less week. Until then, enjoy Twilight Princess, you bizarre and comical heathens.

* This is a lie.