[This series of articles is originally from an ongoing series on Nate's blog, Smashing the Gnat. As part of the series, Nate is playing through each of the console Zelda games one after another for the purpose of analyzing the evolution of the series and commentating.]
[NOTE: This blog is totally tongue-in-cheek, don't think I'm actually serious about this.]
I have a hypothesis to put forth.
All the troubles in Hyrule, were not caused by the evils of Ganondorf. The races of Hyrule have not suffered from generation to generation, game to game, due to the lust for power of one man.
The true culprit here is water pollution.
I came to this conclusion as I was exploring the Zora’s Domain and talking with the locals, as I habitually do even though it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.
FACT: A Zora in the game claims that all water in Hyrule flows from the Zora’s Fountain, where Lord Jabu-Jabu resides.
Now, let me get this straight – a giant whale-thing lives right on the mouth of the water source for an entire country, where all it does is apparently eat large amounts of food that are given to it by the Zoras? Well, what happens when any creature ingests food? It comes out the other side. So we’ve got Jabu-Jabu fouling up the water with his excrements right at the start. Then the water flows into Zora’s Domain. And what happens in the Zora’s Domain, the Zora’s have to relieve themselves somewhere. There’s more water pollution right there.
So all the water in Hyrule is filled with Jabu-Jabu and Zora crap.
We know that nutrient pollution in water can cause abundances of parasites like hookworms, bacteria and toxic algal blooms. These don’t cause deformities in Humans, but we’re talking Hyrule here, land of the Hylians, Zoras and Gerudos. Gorons are apparently not effected by these problems, because they apparently don’t need water, just rocks. And let’s face it, they’re weird enough as it is for that fact alone.
Could Jabu-Jabu-Poo have been the reason why Gerudos can only produce one male every 100 years? Perhaps. Is an abundance of toxins making Hylians (and perhaps Zoras) a little less than bright? Quite possibly.
Case in point: Dampe. Look at him and tell me some part of your brain doesn’t play “Dueling Banjos.”
Another example, somebody would have to be a little less than bright than to start a business where people have to swim through a lake to get there and then pay to fish. I mean, forcing your customer to swim just to get to your location is a little absurd as is, but when a customer has to pay to fish when there’s a freaking lake right outside, that’s just bad business. No wonder you were so surprised to see a customer in there, dude. It might also explain the baldness.
Another example is the poor business decision of the Zora who runs the diving game. I mean, okay, first you make someone pay twenty ruppees to dive what has to be sixty or seventy feet into three meters of water and then dive for twenty-five ruppees which they get to keep and then you give them a prize. So on top of risking lawsuits for endangering your customers, the ones that actually survive their swan dives would have a fairly easy time of making a little extra cash from you and then get a prize from you. Zora dude, I don’t see how you can possibly make money this way.
Yet another example are the poor senses of sight and hearing of Hylian guards. I mean, seriously, you can make so much noise around them and they still just don’t notice you. You can even blow up a bomb and they just stand there twiddling their thumbs.
There you have it. Water pollution. That is the greatest evil of all the Zelda games. I applaud Nintendo for making such an environmentally conscience game.
Anyway, I collected a few more pieces of heart and beat Jabu-Jabu tonight and nabbed the Master Sword before I quit. I’m sitting at nine hearts and ready to go get the Hookshot tomorrow before tackling the Forest Temple and maybe the Fire Temple as well.
- Nate
